One for the road

12:00 am Politics

Apparently Britain’s new licensing laws are going to lead to the end of civilisation as we know it. 24-hour boozing will turn our cities into war zones, the police will be unable to cope etc and so on.

Er, no in fact. Some observations, if I may. First, apparently about a quarter of licensed premises have rather carelessly forgotten to apply for new licenses at all, so that’s the availability of booze down for a start (although it’s mostly village halls and theatres, so probably won’t make all that much difference really). Second, just because licensees can apply for 24-hour licenses doesn’t mean that they will. And indeed, most of them won’t - 90%, apparently. Mostly they’re just going for an hour or two later. And let’s face it, the cretins who go out in city centres to get drunk and start fights are all totally hammered by about 10pm anyway.

Not that I care, I don’t go into cities much. It’s not the drunks that keep me away, it’s mainly all the people asking me for money. You know, beggars, charity fundraisers, shops, that kind of thing.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, but while I’m typing I might as well get it in, my apologies to EDF Energy. One of your market researchers came round the other day asking about the effectiveness of various adverts that turned out to be yours. I recognised the “Read, Reduce, Reward” thing as Something I Had Seen, but I’m afraid I thought it was an nPower thing. Sorry ’bout that, I expect it was a really expensive campaign, too. Still, better luck next time. I can do you a handy marketing hint, though - if you want me to change my leccy supplier, just be really, really cheap. I mean, it’s all electricity, it’s not like yours has got better volts or anything. And as far as I can tell customer service from all suppliers is equally laughable. So just make it cheaper than anyone else and I’m there.

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